Filing Cabinet of the Damned

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Putting on the Rant Pants

Rant time!

The Mindset of the Moron
(inspired by “The Principles of the American Cargo Cult,” located here.)

Below are a few ideas that seem to form the mindset of the moron. These traits are not belief-specific or tied to politics. I'm a liberal Democrat, and yes, I know that "my side" has a lot of people who possess this mindset. Don't get smug, though. Conservatives have plenty of morons. Plenty. There's no shortage in this world--dimwits abound. And they make me nuts.

Based upon careful obesrvation, hard thought, and some plain ol' spleen-venting, here are a few traits that mark the Mindset of the Moron. You don't need to have all of them to be a moron, either.

Complicated explanations are crap. The world is simple, and there is a simple explanation for everything. No issue in the world requires more than one or two variables to understand. Nuance is evasion, and complexity is just a smokescreen for self-interest or stupidity. If someone’s reasoning confuses you, he’s trying to pull one over on you. Don’t believe him.

Certainty is strength, doubt is weakness. Considering alternatives undermines one's own beliefs. Changing one's mind means one has wasted the time spent holding the prior opinion. Therefore, consideration of alternatives or changing of mind means you’ve failed as a person. Never changing one’s mind demonstrates strength of will and firmness of purpose. (However, this only applies to you. When someone else won’t change his mind to agree with you, he’s an inflexible moron.)

There are two sides to every argument. But only two. More than two is impossible! It's A or B! There is no C! D is nonsense! E? E is just a version of A! Also, one of the two sides is the right one, and the other is the wrong one. How can you tell which is the right one? It doesn’t matter. Once your decision is made, you know the other side is wrong, wrong, wrong, and should be treated as if they’re both stupid and evil. Which leads to the next element.

People who disagree with you are simply stupid. They don’t have reasons for taking opposing stances to you. They’re just stupid, hateful ass-clowns. Only your side has reasons. All the other side has is pre-formed opinions and reflexive hatred. Any reasons proffered by those against you are lies intended to cloak their irrational hatreds in faux rationality.

Your opinion matters as much as anyone else's, and usually more. When a person has studied a topic and then offers an opinion, he has no more real knowledge than you do, just more ways to push for his agenda. The facts are just props for his viewpoint, nothing more. The only issue that truly matters is the intensity with which you feel it. Also, the only facts that are truly facts are the ones you believe. Everybody else's facts are either lies or irrelevant.

All interconnection is obvious. Otherwise, complicated explanations would be necessary. Since complicated explanations are always crap, so are subtle connections.

You have a right to your share. Your share is, of course, whatever you decide it should be. An ounce less and shriek cries of injustice. An ounce more means you should readjust what you “deserve” so that it matches what you have.

If it's good for you, it's good. Society is everyone else.

Good intentions are all that matter. You can always apologize later if you hurt someone. It’s not a big deal. After all, you didn't mean to.

There is no long term. Live like there’s no tomorrow, even though there will be. Thinking ahead means thinking too much. Tomorrow is an abstract, muzzy-headed notion, a scam to get you to do things you don’t want to do, like put money in a savings account or eat vegetables.

Consequences are things that happen to other people. Good things that happen to you are because of your actions. Bad things that happen to you are the product of others’ malice. There are many evil people and institutions, and surely one of them is responsible for the bad thing that happened. Somebody did that to you!

You are never the problem. You are a beautiful and unique snowflake. Other people? They’re the herd.

You're special. Bad things shouldn't happen to you. You're the exception to the rules, you radical, you. Other people's thoughts and actions are dictated by their circumstances and upbringing (e.g., "Of course he'd say that--he's a Canadian") but you are a free agent.

The other side is a mindless unity. Yours is multifaceted and rich. Whatever you think of as "the other side" is populated by robots moving in lockstep or simpleminded buffoons working from outdated ideas. Your side is rife with disagreements and infighting, ever in danger of losing to the other side, but reflective of the rich variety of the human condition.

Pain is wrong. Life should not hurt. Ever. If it does, it’s not because life can be hard, but rather because someone is intentionally harming you.

There will be justice. Bad people get punished for their sins. You, however, will be forgiven.


  • Amen, brother. Bravo for a well-written, hysterical (yet sadly true) observation of the current political climate.

    By Blogger Mad Typist, at 2:38 PM  

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