Filing Cabinet of the Damned

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Things Showcase Taught Me

DC's long-running anthology series Showcase was more than entertainment. It educated a nation of youth. A few things I learned:

The Brain Robbers of Satellite X target men in boring purple jumpsuits, using their mind-control powers to change their victims' attire to green miniskirts and yellow go-go boots. Thus, the Brain Robbers of Satellite X are, in fact, Space Fashionistas, spreading fabulousness throughout the galaxy. And I, for one, am impressed.

Grimace used to be a real dick.

The tragedy of Jonny Double was not his trauma-scarred past, nor his craving for violence, nor his alcoholism. No, Double's real tragedy was the displacement of his digestive organs by an oversized red woman's head that floated in his midsection. Because of her, he could not eat, and survived only on the nutritive content of her copious tears.

I think I saw a show on the Discovery Channel about this syndrome once.

The name "B'wana Beast" invokes terror. Who knew? Also, gorillas are purple.

Brachiosaurs are herbivores, but even they cannot resist feasting upon the flesh of a man named "Corky." For some reason, they just taste really good.

Don't look at me like that. They do.


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