Filing Cabinet of the Damned

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Ask a Super-Villain: Stilt-Man

In the grand internet tradition of letting comic book characters speak for themselves (e.g., The Hurting’s “Doctor Doom’s Mailbag,” the Red Skull’s Livejournal, and Hulk’s Diary That Is on the Internet), Filing Cabinet of the Damned has engaged the services of a number of respected villains who have been aching to make their presences felt on the internet.

Though I lack the connections to engage Magneto, the financing to pay what the Kingpin would demand, or the patience to put up with seventeen thousand alternate-timeline Kang the Conquerors each with an opinion, I do have a few links to the super-villain world. (Hi, Mom!)

For this first installment of “Ask a Super-Villain,” Filing Cabinet of the Damned is proud to give you my mother's cousin’s ex-boyfriend and frequent foe of Daredevil, Spider-Man, and others: Wilbur Day, the fearsome Stilt-Man!

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Wilbur will take your questions on live internet chat for the next hour!


Stilt-Man: Thank you, Harvey. It’s a pleasure to be here. Go ahead folks, and send me some questions! Stilt-Man’s high-level perspective can help you!

KewlDood44: Stiltman, u r lame.

Stilt-Man: “Ur lame?” Yes, I’ve always considered my suit to be the prototype of the lamé outfit. You could indeed call me the ur-lamé. The Stilt-Man stands ever in the vanguard of fashion.

VanessaR112: You fought DareDevil a lot. Did you ever beat him?

Stilt-Man: There’s an expression in sports that sums up my clashes with all superheroes: “I never lost, time just ran out.” Though in my case, replace “time” with “consciousness.” I like to think I always win, even if I end up in jail or trapped in a parallel dimension or some such. Optimism is the key to successful super-villainy.

Yaddo: My brother is a jerk. He’s sponging off of me and my wife, and I can’t take it anymore. But he’s still my brother. He’s making me crazy and straining my marriage, but blood is blood. What should I do?

Stilt-Man: To gain perspective on this problem, I recommend building a pair of stilts no less than ten feet high. Climb onto them and look at your brother and your wife. From this lofty perspective, your choice will be clear. Decide who deserves your support. Crush the other one beneath your stilt.

FLOalt: The job market for graduate students is terrible. I can’t find a job anywhere in academia. Any suggestions?

Stilt-Man: This is a problem I know a lot about. My brother, Chip Day, has a Ph.D. from the University of Illinois in English literature. You know what that means: searching the journals for a whiff of a chance, going from adjunct job to adjunct job, living like an overeducated peon, it was awful. My recommendation to you is the same I gave to him: build a large pair of stilts and go on a crime spree. Aside from the financial gains to be had from theft, there’s the emotional satisfaction of stomping across your hometown, ray gun in hand, fifty feet tall. And let’s face it, the ladies love a super-criminal. My stilts aren’t the only things that [edited by chat moderator].

Po23FF: What’s the best way to get wine stains out of a carpet?

Stilt-Man: Wine stain removal requires a four-step process. First, build a pair of stilts, no shorter than six feet tall. If the carpet is a light color, the stilts should be at least eleven feet tall. Second, use the stilts to rob neighboring houses, crushing any and all who stand in your way. Third, get into a fight with a superhero. Don’t get into a fracas with the first pair of tights who comes along. Pick the hero carefully. I’ve tangled with all sorts, from street vigilantes to Norse gods of thunder, and I’ve found it’s important to face one who matches your style. Fourth, apply club soda to the stain and blot it up with a dry paper towel. Don’t rub—you’ll just spread the stain.

hittah311: What’s with the ice cream scoop on the back of your head?

Stilt-Man: Ha ha. Everyone asks me that. My helmet contains a sophisticated sound system-- that “ice cream scoop” is a reflective echo chamber, enhancing its effects. Most folks don’t know this, but whenever I’m on the job, I crank up Led Zeppelin IV as I go to town. The sound inside the chamber is phenomenal. Duh-nuh-NUH! Duh-nuh-NUH!

Moderator: Thank you, Wilbur. That’s all the time we have for this installment of “Ask a Super-Villain.” Come back next time, when Batroc the Leaper will be here. Does he also type in that ridiculous “Frrrranch” accent? Return to Filing Cabinet of the Damned to find out!



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