Feed the Beast
In the interests of nobody but myself, I give you Ten Things I’ve Done That You Probably Haven’t:
1. Delivered singing telegrams in a gorilla suit.
2. Caved in a large piece of drywall with my butt when trying to perform a handstand.
3. Been interviewed at length by Rolling Stone magazine and the Washington Post. Thankfully, the RS article was cut for length, and my pearls of wisdom were never published. The Post quoted me once.
4. Moved across the United States twice in one year, alone and unemployed, for no good reason.
5. Wore a colonial-era costume and operated an eighteenth century printing press for several months.
6. Shoveled ground meats (beef, pork, and chicken) for long night shifts in a meat-packing plant. Yes, shoveled. With a shovel.
7. Cut my hand with a kitchen knife, drove myself to the hospital, and managed not to yell profanity at the desk nurse who asked if I had an appointment. I contented myself to respond only by bleeding on her paperwork.
8. Sent a request to Mr. T’s agent about hiring him to attend my wedding. (I hoped to persuade him to give a reading. “From Paul’s Epistle to the Corinthinans. Love is kind, foo’!”)
9. On several formal occasions, gathered up groups of friends, moved someplace out-of-the-way. Once hidden, we dropped our pants and raised our glasses in toast. I have pictures of my best friend and me in an art museum, in front of a Monet, glasses raised high. We look dapper in our tuxedos with our pants around our ankles. The revealed boxers, needless to say, were flashy.
10. Went to a Halloween party in a suit with a giant red bow around my neck. Attached to the bow, a gift card reading “From: God. To: Women.” I won the prize for “scariest costume."
Please pardon this exercise in self-regard. The internet makes it all to easy to Feed the Beast.