What Separates Me from Pagan Godhood
What keeps me from joining the Norse Gods in Asgard?
When Thor swings his hammer in a circle around his head, he can create whirlwinds, draw down thunder, breach dimensional barriers, and travel through time.
When I swing my hammer in a circle around my head, I annoy my wife and scare the cats. Not one whirlwind.
Stupid hardware store clerks! I specifically asked for the enchanted hammer that only the righteous could lift and that could...oh, never mind.
I lack the fuzzy slippers of the mighty god of wisdom, war, battle, and death, Odin.
How could I possibly have them? They are wrapped in mystery! Do they have vinyl non-skid soles? Or are they perhaps rubber? I do not and cannot know! And thus I am denied divinity!
I could never get away with wearing this hat. It's far too rock star for a puny mortal such as myself.
Were I to dare such a feat of fashion splendor, surely the jealous gods would strike me down as a threat to their fabulousness.
Tempt not the gods, my brothers. Do not attempt to wear such a hat.