Filing Cabinet of the Damned

Friday, September 01, 2006

He Pantses the World. Also, Captain Kangaroo's Evil Double

A pair of internet goodies:

The site Fametracker does periodic "Fame Audits" of celebrities. Usually they're kind of amusing. One was brilliant. The Shatner Audit. To quote:
Most stars are lucky to have a three-phase career: young heartthrob; blowsy superstar; Austin Powers cameo. Or some careers play out this way: heartthrob; handshakes; U.S. President.

By that yardstick, Shatner's had ten careers. He's had twenty. He's had entire careers before breakfast. You could tell your life story twice in the time it would take him to tell the story about that one time he pantsed DeForrest Kelley. Shatner has conquered. He was cool, then he was nerd-cool, then he was kitsch, then he was kitsch-cool, then he was knowing-wink cool, then just plain cool again, and now he's something better than cool. He made himself a punchline with such debonair cunning that -- guess what? -- the man is not a punchline anymore.

When the world zigs, he zags. When the world zags, he zigs. When the world zigs back, he records an album with Ben Folds. When the world chuckles, he pantses the world.

The recent Comedy Central Roast of Shatner reminded me of the audit. "He Pantses the World" is one of the top six phrases in the English language, and it deserves to be revived. Check it out.


The mind-blowing dull smugness of the comic strip Mary Worth has taken an exciting turn of late. As the Comics Curmudgeon has followed breathlessly, Mary Worth has a stalker. The stalker?

Captain Kangaroo.

Check him out. "Aldo Kelrast" puts the creepy moves on Mary below. Tell me "Aldo" isn't the Good Captain in a polo shirt.

Here's a link to the Houston Chronicle's comic page for Mary Worth. Check out the last month or so to indulge in Aldo-mania. The storyline, written in the manner of someone whose only regular contact with humanity is through daytime television, is strange enough. Throw in Aldo's uncanny resemblance to the late Bob Keeshan, and damn. You've got yourself a hypnotic comic strip.

Stalking isn't funny. Mary Worth being stalked by a demented alcoholic Captain Kangaroo is a rich vein of pure comedy gold.

My fervent hope is that the storyline will end with a knock-knock joke and hundreds of ping-pong balls falling from the sky onto Mary's head.*

* If you didn't get that reference, you're too damn young. Get the hell off my lawn, turn down that infernal hippety-hop music, and listen up.

Back in my day, things were different. We didn't have this "inter-netting," like you kids today. When we wanted to "blog," we had to use actual logs! Why, I remember when me and Vern McCort took a nine-foot long piece of fir tree and whittled onto the side of it a long satire of President Reagan and Secretary of the Interior James G. Watt using nothing but our buck knives! Then we put our "blog" into the river and let it float through the middle of town for all to read! We shook things up that day, I can tell you.

I pulled a muscle and Vern dislocated a finger moving that "blog!" But we were grateful! Grateful for the chance to do it! Not like you kids today! Eeennnhhh...consarn it, my lumbago's acting up.


  • He does look like Captain Kangaroo. In that I mean it is Captain Kangaroo. It's a direct likeness. If someone were to do a Captain Kangaroo comic (hopefully a Vertigo book) you would make the lead central character look exactly like this.

    If he was the Evil Captain Kangaroo, wouldn't he have to have a goatee like Spock in Mirror, Mirror? I would also think Evil Captain Kangaroo would be stalking 20 year old co-eds, not old women that look like one of my aunts.

    By Blogger Vlad, at 7:05 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home